By Erelin and Fionn
Things that Erelin is no longer allowed to do in the Fianna Armed Unit
Updated version, soon to be on otherkin.net
Posted in Second Life with permission from Fionn.
1) No longer allowed to take human recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
2) No longer allowed to take any recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
3) Not allowed to call the Wyld Hunt on recruits.
4) …Or superior officers.
5) No longer allowed to draft people from neighboring nations.
6) No longer allowed to draft recruits from neighboring dimensions.
7) No longer allowed to put the dragon barracks near ammo dumps.
8) …or fuel dumps.
9) Not allowed to put spiked pit traps in the mess hall.
10) The rank insignia tells how high up the chain of command a sidhe officer is, not the length of the stick up his/her ass.
11) Not allowed to look at medical records for the length or existence of said stick.
12) Not allowed to bring pepper to the dragons.
13) No longer allowed to order therianthropes to remove their coats.
14) I should not throw tennis balls at the dragons and yell “Charizard, I choose you!”
15) Throwing a tennis ball and saying “Charizard, I choose you!” is not how you call in a dragon air strike.
16) Not allowed to alter rations to have Mountain Dew with grapefruit juice.
17) Not allowed to convince the dragon recruits to hoard shell casings.
18) Not allowed to bend space-time during live-fire exercises.
19) Not allowed to film the therianthropes in the shower, during medical exams, or in the conjugal rooms, and sell the tapes as furry porn.
20) Not allowed to leave recruits out in the woods.
21) No longer allowed to send nymphs to the grunts.
22) No longer allowed to bring nymphs on base.
23) Even if they are for the superior officers.
24) This rule does not apply to nymphs who ARE superior officers.
25) No longer allowed to bring satyrs on base.
26) Not allowed to hold pixie races.
27) Not allowed to refer to gryphons as “choppers.”
28) The appropriate address for any sidhe of superior rank is “sir,” not “you pointy-eared freak.”
29) Any otherworld denizen with pointed ears is not a Vulcan.
30) I must not leave iron tacks on the sidhe sergeant’s bunk.
31) The appropriate response to any sidhe officer’s order is not “live long and prosper.”
32) The appropriate response to any satyr officer’s order is not “woohoo!”
33) Not allowed to make cadences in Gaelic.
34) …Or Tolkien elvish.
35) …or klingon.
36) Not allowed to challenge officers to rigged drinking games.
37) Not allowed to alter space-time during basic training.
38) Not allowed to slow time around grenades.
39) Especially not allowed to speed time around grenades.
40) No longer allowed near duct tape.
41) C-4 is not silly putty.
42) nor is it a laxative
43) I do not see dead people.
44) Saying “I don’t believe in faeries” will not kill any of the troops, but may offend homosexuals.
45) The elven snipers are not all named Legolas.
46) Not allowed to bend space-time during formations.
47) I must not stand at the entry gate to the base with a mage staff and shout “YOU CANNOT PASS!”
48) I am not qualified to administer iron supplements.
49) Iron supplements are taken orally, not rectally or via sniper rifle.
50) I may not prescribe drugs.
51) I may not bend space-time to re-enact scenes from “the matrix” on the firing range.
52) Being put on KP does not mean I am allowed to spike the officers’ coffee with Tabasco sauce.
53) …Or Ex-Lax.
54) …Or Dwarven Whiskey.
55) Not allowed to abduct civilian children and replace them with cheap copies.
56) Social services does not handle changelings.
57) “We’re off to see the wizard” is not a cadence.
58) Not allowed to skip in formation.
59) Not allowed to order the troops to skip in formation.
60) Not allowed to spread pixie dust.
61) Not allowed to order the merfolk to march three miles.
62) No longer allowed to bring a siren to the karaoke bar.
63) Not allowed to throw a grenade past any therian unit and shout “fetch!”
64) “Do virgins taste better than those who are not” is not a cadence for dragon units.
65) No trainee exercise will begin with “and a five, six, seven, eight…”
66) Bell-tipped shoes with curly toes are not appropriate combat dress.
67) Not allowed to trick allied units into surrendering to me.
68) My official position is not “happiness enforcement officer.”
69) Not allowed to tell the field medics to start clapping when there is a casualty.
70) The sidhe wearing camo paint are not dark elves.
71) Not allowed to ask the new recruits to choose between the red pill or the blue pill.
72) Not allowed to switch the labels on the “eat me” and “drink me” bottles.
73) The dragon air superiority units do not need nose art.
74) The chain of command is not a toy.
75) No longer allowed to order dragons to take an emissions test.
76) The two drink limit does not include a whole bottle of mead.
77) Even if the general has a sense of humor, there is only one of him. Other officers are not so forgiving.
78) “My god can beat up your god” is not a cadence.
79) Neither is “it’s a small world after all.”
80) If I do start a cadence with “It’s a small world after all,” I will not be surprised if I am the victim of friendly fire.
81) I am not Master Chief, and the Unseelie Court are not the Covenant.
82) Not allowed to Riverdance in formation.
83) Not allowed to order the troops to Riverdance in formation.
84) Especially not allowed to order the dragons to Riverdance.
85) Mission plans should not include breaks in causality.
86) Mission plans do not include “the lamentations of their women.”
87) No longer allowed to utter the phrase “I give you my word as a pooka.”
88) The proper response to a lawful order is not “I disbelieve! I disbelieve!”
89) I cannot save vs. officers.
90) No longer allowed to sell commanding officers or noncoms to Santa.
91) Not allowed to deploy the Yeti in Iraq.
92) Any trap idea that causes my commanding officers to fall on the floor vomiting is not to be implemented.
93) No longer allowed to implement any idea that gives me “that look on my face.”
94) Tactics cannot be justified by the Anime Laws of Physics.
95) During basic training, I am not allowed to hold my rifle in the air and shout “this is my BOOMSTICK!”
96) Condoms are not a part of military protective gear.
97) No longer allowed to butt heads with the unicorns.
98) …or leapfrog.
99) Not allowed to force a name change on vestal virgins.
100) No longer allowed to sell soundtracks to battles.
101) Not allowed to tell dragons where the leprechaun gold is.
102) Not allowed to tell leprechauns where the dragon hoard is.
103) Not allowed to refer to the leprechaun rations as “me frosted lucky charms.”
104) “Dancing a merry jig” is not authorized PT.
105) Not allowed to paint the grenades like Easter eggs.
106) Not allowed to taunt the redcaps. EVER.
107) Brownies are a unit, not a part of the rations.
108) Not allowed to refer to the leprechauns’ naughty bits as “me frosted lucky charms.”
109) Not allowed to plant a pager on any soldier performing covert operations.
110) No longer allowed to supply the dragons with ketchup.
111) Not allowed to douse superior officers with ketchup.
112) Not allowed to convince the dragons that the chain of command tastes good with ketchup.
113) Not allowed to convince the dragons that any infantry or cavalry with armor are “crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.”
114) No longer allowed to quote Hannibal Lecter or Titus Andronicus during combat missions.
115) Not allowed to try to convince the dragons that anyone is crunchy OR good with ketchup. They know better. I think.
116) Dwarven infantry are not all named Gimli.
117) The elves are not solely there to save my puny ass.
118) I am not to refer to any recently repaired weaponry as “the sword reforged.”
119) Not allowed to tell the infantry “don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”
120) Scout missions are not for selling cookies.
121) Not allowed to carry any weapon bigger than a nuke.
122) Not allowed to CREATE any weapon bigger than a nuke.
123) I do not have the authority to deploy nukes.
124) Not allowed to summon Cthulhu on the parade grounds.
125) My specialty is not demolitions. EVER.
126) Not allowed to challenge any soldier to a race around the world.
127) Nagah units do not have cadences which say “My anaconda don’t want none unless it’s got BUNS, honey!”
128) Not allowed to ask the minotaur units “got milk?”
129) Not allowed to call any centaur “Seabiscuit.”
130) Combat mages are not named Gandalf.
131) …Or Dumbledore.
132) When someone challenges me to the field of honor, it has nothing to do with mowing the lawn.
133) “Can we settle this like men” does not mean running and screaming at the first sign of danger.
134) No longer allowed to make jokes about “my unit.”
135) Not allowed to talk about “clubbing baby seals” in front of the selkies.
136) Even if they are dressed in goth.
137) Not allowed to steal the selkies’ seal coats.
138) …Or switch them in their lockers.
139) …Or sell them on E-bay.
140) Stealing a selkie’s coat does not necessarily mean they will do my bidding. They will more than likely shoot me and find it anyway.
141) Selling the merfolk to Sea World is NOT funny.
142) “If you like pina coladas” is not a cadence.
143) I am not legally allowed to perform marriage. Even if I am, I am not allowed to do so by my commanding officers.
144) Especially if those being married are not aware of being married.
145) I cannot marry off my superior officers.
146) No matter how whiny the Wiccans get, I am not allowed to re-institute the burning times.
147) The civilians are not target practice.
148) Not allowed to switch the weres’ shampoo with Nair.
149) The proper way to assemble a platoon is not to shout “Level 46 Pooka LFG.”
150) Not allowed to tell the sprite, pixie, or brownie troops that “size does matter.”
151) I must leave the toadstool rings alone.
152) Not allowed to sell condos in the otherworld.
153) I am not Gordon Freeman, and the Crossroads is not Xen.
154) Nighttime ops are not “Blair Witch Projects.”
155) Putting up little stick dolls and piles of rocks around the tents is not funny.
156) Working with the dragon airborne units does not entitle me to frequent flier miles.
157) …Or those little bags of peanuts.
158) There are otherkin besides sidhe in the officer ranks, and I should not forget this and make up conspiracy theories that say otherwise.
159) Not allowed to come up with conspiracy theories.
160) …Or conspiracies.
161) Not allowed to make Stargate references, especially when opening interdimensional gateways.
162) Not allowed to make cracks about “taking this to a higher court.”
163) “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is not appropriate in formation.
164) Nor is it appropriate PT.
165) “Hulk Smash” is not a tactic.
166) Not allowed to institute Arcadian policy in any nation.
167) No longer allowed to go to Avalon on leave.
168) There is no such thing as the Whore of Avalon.
169) Pants are required for inspection.
170) No longer allowed to make pedophilia jokes about “the land of youth forever.”
171) Not allowed to send vampires to the summerlands.
172) Not allowed to switch the vampire rations with cherry kool-aid.
173) Not allowed to tie-dye the selkie coats.
174) …Or any uniforms.
175) …Or any officers.
176) Other ‘kin types are not Pokemon. I do not need to “catch ’em all.”
177) I cannot marry my superior officer’s child.
178) Not allowed to ask for “your first born child” as a reenlistment bonus.
179) No longer allowed to feign death whenever I hear a gunshot.
180) The proper way to end a situation report is not “and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”
181) World of Warcraft is not a real military exercise.
182) Not allowed to fondle ordinance while hissing “my preciousssss…”
183) Not allowed to fondle officers while hissing “my preciousssss…”
184) There is no such thing as sexual warfare, no matter what the satyrs may say.
185) Not allowed to make remarks about “bringing a sword to a shootout.”
186) Not allowed to feign death whenever someone says “I don’t believe in faeries.”
187) Orders are to be given verbally, not rectally.
188) …or by poking individual troops with a gauntlet.
189) It’s the Seelie court, not the Silly court.
190) No longer allowed to tend bar at the officer’s club. EVER.
191) Streaking is not an appropriate distraction.
192) Grenades are not appropriate substitutes for sporting equipment.
193) Not allowed to play Quidditch with the janitorial supplies.
194) Not allowed to call in air strikes on rush hour traffic.
195) Not allowed to attempt any of the items listed at skippyslist.com.
196) Not allowed to program any GPS to read “second star on the right, straight on until morning.”
197) Mission parameters do not include “kill moose and squirrel.”
198) Not allowed to make remarks to the women officers about their “Tir Na Knockers.”
199) Not allowed to put the romance back in necromancy.
200) Sporks are not to be used as bayonets, and vice versa.
201) A promotion is not “leveling up.”
202) Not allowed to give Viagra to the satyrs.
203) Pants are not a group activity.
204) My spidey sense is not tingling.
0xCD) Not allowed to convert all numbers on base to hexadecimal.
316) Or octal.
11001111) Or binary.
208) Not allowed to call the military selkies “Navy Seals.”
209) Even if they are special-ops trained.
2,107) Not allowed to go forward in time to find out rules I will break, and do so ahead of schedule.
211) Not allowed to play Final Fantasy victory music over the barracks loudspeakers every time I get a promotion.
212) …Or every time we win a battle.
213) I do not need to find a phone booth to get into combat dress.
214) The gateway to faerie is not a Stargate.
215) Even if it was, I can’t use it to order Thai take-out.
216) Not allowed to give the dragons a DDR machine just to trip the seismographs.
217) Not allowed to sing the Mr. Ed theme song around the centaurs.
218) My commanding officers do not need to hear “a word from my sponsor.”
219) The dwarven cooks are not oompaloompas.
220) Not even if I paint them orange.
221) Not allowed to paint the dwarves orange.
222) Not allowed to paint ANY personnel orange.
223) Temporal loops are not funny.
223) Temporal loops are not funny.
223) Temporal loops are not funny.
224) Our strategic weapons are not “Tir Na Nukes.”
225) The Darwin Award is not a military decoration.
226) International Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept. 19) is not a legitimate cessation of hostilities.
228) Nor is it a reason to change the communications protocol.
229) Asking a commanding officer if they want to be ‘touched by my noodly appendage’ is grounds for a sexual harassment charge.
230) I am not the pastafarian chaplain.
231) Sidhe did not evolve from Cabin Boys.
232) Though looting the enemy dead is legitimate, I must make sure they are ENEMY dead.
233) Though looting the enemy dead is permissible, it does not take precidence over actually fighting the battle.
234) Crying out “Oh My God, You Killed Kenny!” does not make someone an enemy, particularly if they have already fallen.
235) Nor does it make them an illegitmate child.
236) Even if the person fallen is named Kenny.
237) Not allowed to re-create the egg discovery scene from “Eragon” with any dragon clutch.
238) Not allowed to see whether dragon eggs can survive atmospheric re-entry.
239) Not allowed to set up lasers to fire on elves and shout out, “The Formori Have Returned!”
240) The fricken’ shark therians do not need fricken’ lasers mounted on their fricken’ heads.
241) Simply not allowed to use, touch, or handle any laser, including a ‘laser pointer’ without permission from commander.
242) The commander’s staff won’t let the commander authorize me to have lasers anymore.
243) Permission for anything cannot be gotten when the commander is drunk, disoriented, distracted, disemboweled, dead, enchanted in any way, or otherwise not in his right mind.
244) I do not have academic credentials for psychiatry or psychology, so my opinion about whether ANYONE is in their right mind has no official bearing.
245) Not allowed to grant academic credentials of any kind to any person, especially myself.
246) If I go back in time to get my own academic credentials, I’m only allowed to do it once per college.
247) Especially not allowed to do repeated journeys back in time to the same college for the purposes of starting my own fraternity.
-120) Erelin’s List IS valid in times before it’s existence.
248) No matter what Dan Shive, Anne Onymous, or Rumiko Takahashi may say, suddenly, unexpectedly, and repeatedly swapping someone’s gender is at the very least annoying, and often very disturbing, to both the subject and those around him/her.
249) Not allowed to violate rules 247 and 248 simultaneously to create my own sorrority.
250) Not allowed to order the snipers to stand up just to demonstrate the value of not being seen.
251) Not allowed to do a booty-smackin’ dance to the tune of “Staying Alive” in front of the Judge Advocate General.
252) Not allowed to do a booty-smackin’ dance in front of officers.
253) Not allowed to order the troops to do a booty-smackin’ dance in formation.
254) Wedgies are not used as unarmed combat maneuvers.
255) Not allowed to use wedgies with lethal force in combat…see rule #93.
256) Not allowed to ask any dragon involved in medevac operations “do surgeons taste better than those who are not?”
257) Not allowed to make grenades out of sporting equipment.
258) An order to “paint the target” has nothing to do with graffiti.
259) …or latex semi-gloss.
260) …or artistic reproductions on canvas.
261) Recon photos do not need “happy little trees” added to the background.
262) When an officer is to be decorated, it has nothing to do with tinsel.
263) …or little lights.
264) …or glass baubles.
265) …or garland, strings of popcorn, or anything else that would go on a tree right around Yule.
266) “Because she gave me Turkish delight” is not a legitimate excuse to yield any classified material to ice magi.
267) …or anyone else not cleared for such material.
268) ‘Kin recruiting, including Wyld Hunts, do not include Scientology.
269) …or Pastafarianism.
270) There is no such thing as Danu’s witnesses.
271) Not allowed to attempt to create an anti-god and see if it works like anti-matter.
272) “Blood and Chocolate” is a book and movie title, not a confection to sell to the therians.
273) No matter how much the “Eragon” movie sucked, I am not allowed to declare war on Christopher Paolini.
274) …or the producers and director of the “Eragon” movie, especially when the General already declared war on them.
275) Putting satyrs and dryads in the same unit is generally a bad idea.
276) Working with a combined unit of satyrs and dryads is not authorized PT.
277) Showing my naked pooka ass to the therians will not increase their powers.
278) In any situation where there are other pooka present, secret discussions are strictly prohbited.
279) Transforming people at random generally pisses them off. (See rule #248.)
280) Even though faerie rings are fungus-based, I can’t use athlete’s foot to go to the Otherworld.
281) …or jock itch.
282) Not allowed to tell new recruits they can use athlete’s foot or jock itch to make a gateway to faerie.
283) Not allowed to give dryads regulation haircuts with a weed-eater.
284) No longer allowed to give any haircuts.
285) Bug zappers are not effective training exercises for pixies or sprites.
286) Therians who demonstrate excellent conduct, exceptional courage, or perform above and beyond the call of duty get commendations, not extra milk-bones.
287) I can’t convince a therian to go on a high-risk mission with Scooby snacks.
288) The riot control weapons are supposed to fire capstun, not nerf balls.
289) Not allowed to make jokes about dead hookers in the trunk of his car. (We really, really wish we could say this was somehow otherkin related, but it’s just Erelin)
290) …or undead hookers. Especially not undead hookers. See rule #199.
291) Aeon flux is not the training video for special ops.
292) I will not refer to venereal diseases as “Satyr Pokemon,” nor will I try to get them to “catch ’em all.”
293) Not allowed to offer sex as an enlistment bonus.
294) …even for satyrs, dryads, or transformant candidates of either.
295) Trying to recruit Paris Hilton or Martha Stewart will likely get me shot. Repeatedly.
296a) A burning legless catamaran.
296b) A manageable snarling crust.
296c) Ell’s rug’s cremating a banana.
296d) Can’t relabel using anagrams.
297) The proper soundtrack for reveille is the song by the same name, not fingernails on a blackboard.
298) …or the techno remix of “The Bean Sidhe’s Greatest Hits.”
299) …or the dragon squadron commander after way too much mexican food.
300) THIS! IS! NOT! SPARTA!
301) Not allowed to show up in formation or in combat wearing nothing but elven lingerie.
302) Even if it can stop an antitank shell.
303) Especially not if stripping to Lady Marmalade.
304) …or any song from Moulin Rouge.
305) Not allowed to do a striptease in the middle of combat.
306) …or as a means of establishing interspecies contact.
307) …or in the officer’s lounge at any time other than ladies’ night.
308) Field stripping refers to cleaning a weapon, not exotic dancing.
309) Being forbidden to strip myself in combat does not mean I can do it to my superior officers. (Stripping ENEMY officers in combat is perfectly okay…)
310) Superior officer refers to rank and is not an oxymoron.
311) Rank does not refer to stench, and throwing rotten fruit at officers will not help them to get promoted.
312) Sylphes are not to be used as floatation devices.
313) Neither are officers.
314) Whoso pulleth the boot knife out from the machinist’s workbench is not rightwise born king.
315) …or general.
316) The proper way to close a formation of the troops is to say “dismissed,” not start a rave.
317) …or an orgy.
318) Even if the satyrs and the dryads approve
319) If the mess hall is serving cake, it is not a lie.
320) Not allowed to say that the mess hall is serving cake when it actually IS a lie.
321) Unicorns are NOT “dragon cake.”
322) Dragons are NOT “unicorn shish-kebab.”
323) Neither are sidhe.
324) Not allowed to use new recruits as living chess pieces and call it “formation drills.”
325) Not allowed to use pixies and brownies as 1:1 scale chess pieces.
326) Not allowed to violate rules 324 or 325 using the troops as terrace pieces instead.
327) …or checkers.
328) Chess boards do not need tiny land mines.
329) …or big ones, because they get in the way of the playing pieces.
330) …or any kind of explosive trap.
331) Land mines are not to be used as “EOD checkers.”
332) My commanding officer is not named “General Confusion, Colonel Panic, General Protection Fault, Major Dilemma, Private Parts,” or by any other play on words.