Undead Technical Support Hotline

By Unknown Author

(Sangi Note: If you are the author and can prove it, I will credit you or remove it depending upon your wishes.)

(ring ring)

TechSup: Hello, Undead Technical Support, may I please have your name and the date of your death?

Cust: Ummmm, yes… I am Vlad the Impaler and I am a GREAT AND MIGHTY VAMPIRE!!!

TS: Can I please have your date of death, sir, as we have currently around 120 Vlad the Imaplers on file? It is a fairly common name among the undead.

Cust: Ummm, yes… uhhh… well, you see, I haven’t actually died yet… I was just sort of, you know, looking to see if someone would, like, you know, bite me, or if there is some sort of trial period?

TS: Yes, sir, unfortunately we can not provide that service. I would, however, point you towards you nearest foreboding castle or dark alley to find a blood sucking fiend of your choice.

Cust: Oh, why thank you! (Click)

(ring)

TS: Hello, Undead Technical Support, may I please have your name and the date of your death?

Cust: Ummmm… Herman Carpinski, July 12 1876.

TS: So, what can I help you with?

Cust: I need to know how I deal with this whole rotting problem.

TS: Rotting?

Cust: Yes, pieces of me keep falling off, and there is this rather horrible smell.

TS: Ummmm, sir? Were you killed by having an undead bite your neck and suck your blood?

Cust: No, some guy danced a lot and blew dust into my face.

TS: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a vampire, as it were; you are what is known as a zombie, and while I can not really provide support for that, I can tell you that the rotting smell is fairly normal. However, I can give you the Zombie Support Line.

Cust: Thank you.

(ring ring)

TS: Hello, Undead Technical Support, may I please have your name and the date of your death?

Cust: I AM VERY UPSET!!!

TS: I understand, sir. Becoming one of the walking, undead, blood-sucking fiends of the world is a big step —

Cust: NO, that is not what I am talking about, you *bleepity bleep bleep*!

TS: Sir, if you will please calm down, perhaps I can help you?

Cust: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!!

TS: I can get you a manager, sir, but they will have to call you back in a few hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can help you with?

Cust: YEAH! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN THING!!!!

TS: Excuse me, sir? A vulnerability to the sun is fairly standard to all vampire types, so that behavior is by design.

Cust: It is not! It says right here, in this pamphlet I downloaded from the internet, that if I ingest the blood of 12 virgins on 12 consecutive nights and gouge out my own eyeballs — which I have done mind you — then it won’t affect me, and I am still vulnerable to the sun! So what gives?

TS: Ummmm… well, sir, as that is a different, um, application of your powers, you probably want to talk to the people who wrote it, or if it is something akin to your particular type of vampire you may wish to speak to the person who brought you across —

Cust: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!!

(click)

You know, I honestly hate calls like that. I mean, what is with these people — is it my fault they don’t read the fine print? I mean, ok, immortality is cool and the vampire powers are nifty, but they always just call me when they can’t deal with this crap, and expect me to deal with it, and I mean — one sec got a call —

(ring ring)

TS: Undead Techni-

Cust: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH A CROSSBOW OUTSIDE AND HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE “DIE FOUL FIEND!”

TS: Ok, sir, please calm down.

Cust: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE IS BATTERING DOWN THE DOOR AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!

TS: Ok, sir, are you vulnerable to holy symbols?

Cust: Ummm, no. I am a farquath vampire — we don’t do the holy symbol thing.

TS: Ahh, good! I also see your kind of vampire has increased strength and speed, and can take a lot of punishment. OK, is he through the door yet, and is there more than one of them?

Cust: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses and one of them has a crossbow.

TS: Hmmm. Ok, do you have a phone book?

Cust: Yes… WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK GOING TO DO?!?!

TS: Sir, I need you to remain calm if I am going to help you, ok?

Cust: All right — now what? They are almost through the door!

TS: Tuck the phone book inside your jacket over your heart. When they come though the door let them shoot you with the crossbow, and then hit the one in front as hard as you can.

Cust: Ok, I’ll try. I am not very violence-literate, though.

TS: That’s ok, just follow my instructions.

(sounds of crashing, a muted thunk, and a loud scream)

Cust: Ok, there are two more. Now what?

TS: Ok, throw the one you hit as hard as you can at the second one, and then grab the third by the throat and lift him off the ground.

(loud crashing and some moaning, followed by choking and gurgling noises.)

Cust: Ok, I have the head guy dangling – now what?

TS: Now look into his eyes and laugh maniacally.

Cust: heh heh hehehe heh

TS: Ummm — try a more maniacal laugh, kind of like this: MUHAHAHAHAHA…

Cust: Wow, you scared me. Ok, I’ll try: muhahahaha. How was that?

TS: Close enough. Now repeat after me. “YOU PITIFUL HUMAN INSECT! DIE LIKE THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!” Then please squeeze as hard as you can.

(Customer repeats statement. A cracking noise is heard from the phone.)

Cust: Nothing is happening.

TS: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand you are holding him with.

Cust: OH!! Ok.

(wet cracking sound is heard)

Cust: Wow, this isn’t so hard! Maybe I will get the hang of this whole violence thing! Thanks so much for your help!!

TS: That’s quite all right. You have a good night now.

(click)

See now, I kind of like those calls. I got to help someone, and you know, that’s what this job is all about. Am I one of the undead? Heck no, I don’t care much for the hours. Really, I am just doing this for money while I study for my Occult Sciences degree. Then I can go out and make some real money as either an Undead Admin or maybe a troubleshooter type, because you know support is great experience for that sort of thing. It gets you to working with people and understanding things; like I know tons about the undead vampire types and I heard we are going to start to support werewolves and dippy magic-users next. Hey man if they want to train me I’m not going to complain, I mean after all —

(ring ring)

TS: Undead Technical Support, can I have your name and the time of your death?

Cust: Ummmm, uh, like, is this where I call for, like, problems with being a vampire?

TS: Yes it is.

Cust: Ok, so, like, do I have to drink blood? That’s kinda gross; can’t it just be kool-aid or something?

TS: No, I’m sorry, but blood is definitely a requirement.

Cust: Oh, well, ummm… ok.

TS: Anything else I can help you with?

Cust: Ummm, yeah, can I like catch AIDS and things from bad blood?

TS: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets go of mute button) Sir, you’re dead, ok? You really don’t have to worry about that.

Cust: Oh, ok. How do I get the blood?

TS: Generally you bite people.

Cust: Oh, ok. Well, bye. (click)

(sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. There are times when this job gets on my nerves… But, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, cool — I get to start training today for supporting werewolves and magic users. Wow, and Vampire hunters too — you would think that would be a conflict of interest. Oh well…

(2 weeks of training later)

Instructor: …Ok, just to go over a few things. First of all, we do NOT support major summoning or world-destroying rituals. And if your customer is a werewolf and have just shifted so hey tcan no longer communicate with you, you’ll need to direct them to the Growling & Grunting Specialist. Any questions?

TS: Ok, now, what exactly constitutes a major summoning? And, I mean, what is our policy if, like… I dunno, they attempted a summoning and, like, screwed up the name and got a major demon lord kinda thing instead of the minor imp they were trying for?

Inst: Well, assuming they are still alive, you would probably want to Escalate it. Any other questions?

(Later that month)

(ring ring)

TS: Shapeshifter Technical support, may I please have your name and the type of shifter you are?

Cust: This is Derek Thorfin, and I am having this problem… (scratching noises) I can’t get around it — I can’t get this damn hair to go away after I shift. It’s this one patch and it just will not go away.

TS: Hmmm. Well, sir, is it a rectangular patch on your chest and abdominal area?

Cust: Yes, actually, it is.

TS: Well, sir, that will not go away, as you are a shifter by position rather than by birth. That patch of hair is the mark of the animal demon that currently possesses you.

Cust: So when will there be a solution to this problem?

TS: Well, sir, that particular behavior, as I have said, is a side effect of being a shifter.

Cust: Oh. So when are you going to fix it? ‘Cause I don’t like this hair — it itches.

TS: Sir, as I said, this is something that cannot be fixed — unless you want to go through a cleansing ritual and give up being a shapeshifter, that is.

Cust: No, you don’t understand. I want this hair gone, and you need to tell me how to get rid of it. Got that, fella? ‘Cause if not I’ll have to come down there and rend you limb from limb because I am a werewolf, got that geeky boy? Now you tell me that secret way you have of getting rid of this here hair —

TS: Sir, I have to tell you that if you continue to be threatening, I will have to terminate this call and refer your case to our security department. Now, that being said, we do not have any secret way of doing this —

Cust: All right, that’s it! You’re lying to me! Either tell me or I come down there and REND ALL YOU *bleepity bleep bleep bleepity bleep* INTO SMALL QUIVERING CHUNKS OF FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEKY BOY?!! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, HUH?!! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH?!!

TS: I am sorry, sir, I need to terminate this call. (click)

 

(A few days later)

(Loud growling, followed by a loud pop, followed by silence)

Hmmmm… I wonder if I should have told him about the silver trap we have for werewolves. Oh well, back to work…

(ring ring)

TS: Mystical Technical Support, may I please have your name and the name of your group, or contract number if you are an independent?

Cust: Yeah my name is Mike Evenstar, and I am a member of the Most Glorious Order of Hipocratus and Ptolemy.

TS: Ok, sir, what can I help you with?

Cust: Well, it is a small thing, really, I was just wondering what would happen if… ummmm… well, when summoning a 9th level elemental spirit, if I had gotten two of the glyphs wrong?

TS: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head pounding on table is heard)

Cust: Well… ummmmm, I sort of changed the “9” into a “90”, and the “elemental” to “demonic” —

TS: Ummm, sir, can you hang on a second?

Cust: Sure, no problem, but please hurry — the glowing purple thing is getting worse, and the walls have started bleeding.

TS: I’ll hurry, sir. (hits mute button) Aghh! why do I get these calls? (lets go of mute button) Ok, sir, what I want you to do is please follow these steps: First, open the door to the room you are in. Second, step through it, and thirdly run as fast as you can. Then call this number: 555-DUMB. This is a service we refer people to that cleans up this sort of thing.

Cust: Ok, so I open the —

(a wet crunching sound, a scream and then silence)

TS: (sigh) I lose more idiots that way. Oh well…

Well, this is cool — I got promoted to Major Conjurations and Summonings, and Escalation Support, last week. It means more money, etc., although now I end up with even bigger problems to deal with. Anyway, more training I guess…

(ring ring)

TS: Escalations, go for it.

Other Tech: Ok, I got this guy who says that he is trying a major summoning, and he has a wizard class account so he is covered, but I have no clue what the deal is… He has the sacrifice he needs, all his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has the blue pillar of fire going for him. Could you take it, please? Frankly, I’m stumped.

TS: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. (pause) Hiya, I hear you’re having some problems.

Cust: Yes, I can’t understand it. I have all the materials, and everything appears to be all right — I have the gateway open, but I am getting no response to the truename.

TS: A sacrifice was mentioned. Could you tell me what kind?

Cust: yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was needed, and she is waiting right here all bound and prepared for the demon to come through and rip her to pieces. I mean we even have the proper amount of screaming.

TS: (knowing chuckle) Ummmm… did you say virgin sacrifice? And how old is she?

Cust: She is 17, and I had her checked out beforehand, she is a virgin.

TS: Yeah. Tell me, do you have a teenage assistant? A young male assistant, perhaps?

Cust: Well, yes, I… DAMMIT ALL TO HELL, Jedrick, come over here! I swear that I will peel the skin off your back and feed you to [truename of major demon omitted]!

TS: Sir, you know that saying names like that in front of open gateways can be a bad thing.

Cust: Huh? What, you mean [truename omitted]? Why would that be bad?

TS: Sir, I would once again advise against saying that name in front of a gateway.

Cust: Oh, come on, no-one actually expects [truename omitted] to answer, I mean he — (sound of a thunder clap)

TS: (sigh) If this keeps happening I might get written up.

(ring ring)

TS: Escalations, go ahead.

OT: Ummmm, I have a demon on the phone.

TS: You mean someone summoned a demon and he needs help with it?

OT: N-n-no, the demon killed him while he was on the phone and, um, it somehow got my name, and now it says it owns my soul as well, and I am kinda in over my head… HELP please.

TS: Ok, go ahead and conference it, and listen in, ok?

OT: Ok, here goes.

Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE, ALL OF THEM!!!

TS: Ah, yes, you are the demon, correct?

Demon: Yes, I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are mine, by the contract of the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TS: Ah, yes. One thing I need to tell you, though…

Demon: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!!

TS: notraghtaR! BY THE POWER OF YOUR UNNAMING, DEMON, BEGONE!!!!

Demon: NOOOOOO!! AHHHHHHH THE PAIN!! NOOOooooooooo… (fades into nothing)

TS: See, no problems – you just can’t let those demons push you around.

OT: Cool. Thanks, dude!

TS: Escalations, go ahead.

OT: Got an irate, please take her?

TS: (sigh) Go for it.

Cust: NOW, YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER CONJURER AND I KNOW IT IS NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY MATERIALS! I KNOW BIG PEOPLE IN HIGH PLACES AND YOU’LL ALL BE TURNED INTO TOADS!!!

TS: Ma’am, if you will please calm down and read me your conjuring formula, maybe I can help you.

Cust: Oh, very well.

(long incomprehensible formula follows.)

TS: Ma’am, I think I found your problem: it is on the 3rd, 8th, and 21st lines.

Cust: OH REALLY? AND WHAT IS THAT, MISTER SMARTY PANTS?

TS: Ma’am, 2+2 is equal to 4, not 8.

Cust: WHY YOU IMPERTINENT — ummm… (click)

TS: Thank you for calling magic support.

I’m the founder/creator/page slave of Sanguinarius.org. I’m in my early-to-mid 40s. I have 2 special kitties and a good man.

More info later.

See my website, Sangi’s Corner, for more about me.

Sanguinarius E. Sanguinarius – who has written posts on Sanguinarius.org for Real Vampires.


About Sanguinarius E. Sanguinarius

I’m the founder/creator/page slave of Sanguinarius.org. I’m in my early-to-mid 40s. I have 2 special kitties and a good man. More info later. See my website, Sangi’s Corner, for more about me.
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