By Sanguinarius & Anonymous
It is my hope that the following letter (originally posted to an elist I am on) will convey some of the torment, anguish, confusion and desperation that vampires go through. No personally identifying information has been included, and should the author of the message wish for me to remove it, please contact me and I will do so. I feel, however, that making the letter available for others to read will benefit both vampires and non-vampires alike. Vampires will benefit by knowing that they are not alone in what they experience; non-vampires, because they may achieve a little better understanding of vampires. I’ve left it pretty much as it was written, although I corrected the typos and rephrased a few things for coherence’s sake. (If you’ve ever tried to edit the text of something written by a vampire who is vamping out at the time of writing, you’ll know that it’s an art form. *smile*)
Subject: Blood craving – please HELP me!!
I am a 21 year old Vampire. I have an urgent problem to which I find no solution. I hope someone of you could help me out of this. It really is very urgent.
I have an enormous craving (need) for blood, which makes me very desperate. I don’t know what I should do. It is strong and last time it was getting stronger. I can’t ignore it. It influences me totally and I am not the same. If I can’t find a way soon to get it under control, I will go crazy. When this craving is there I am different, like another person. A totally strange feeling. It influences me totally. Physically and psychically. And that makes me very afraid. I can’t do something against it; it simply comes over me. I am helpless to it and it steers me. I am feeling very bad and I am nearly on the end (physically and psychically). I am very desperate. I hardly have myself under control. This situation is absolutely unbearable, I can’t take it much longer. Last time it has become very bad and every day is a torture. I don’t know if anyone knows what I mean or how I am feeling. But I really can not take it longer. HELP!!! It is a real need. I do really need it to feel normal.
I get completely mad, if I don’t get blood for a longer time, or see someone bleeding and can’t get it. It’s like addiction. I can’t be without blood and it really drives me to do it. At the moment, I am on “blood withdrawal” and suffer inconceivably. All my thoughts are circling at one thing: blood, Blood, BLOOD, and how to get this craving away to feel normal again. I want to stop it. I can’t think of something else anymore, can’t concentrate myself. My craving rises to immeasurable. I already need blood sooo urgently. Out of despair I’ve cut my arms, to drink my own blood to try to calm this hunger. I already look like after a suicide-attempt, or like a drug-addict. That subdues the craving short-term, but after a short time it comes back as doubly strong. That brings nothing (except scars), I know now. After the stronger craving is here again I want to have blood again and again. It doesn’t calm the hunger when I drink my own blood. Sure, I have this lovely taste, but it gives me nothing; I mean I don’t feel relieved or better from it. It is different. It seems that my own blood can not give me what I need. It only makes the hunger growing. I suffer. Can’t stop it. My craving gets bigger and bigger. I need blood urgently, or I’ll get completely mad. I have myself only hardly under control now. My arms look awful. (I nearly can’t move them, because of the pain.) It’s like this: If I get enough blood, I have myself totally under control, can act humane and behave “normally”. If I don’t get it, I get completely inhuman and behave very strangely. I am getting aggressive and don’t have myself under control. Is someone out there, who could help me?
Unfortunately I have no opportunity to get blood. I do not know what I should do. I have heard that it is also possible to take the energy directly from the energy field of a human. I have tried it that way, but with no effect. It has never worked.
Is there some substitute for blood, which I could take to satisfy my craving? Can something cure the hunger for blood? How can I get this terrible hunger under control without drinking blood? Is there no other way? Why do vampires have a need for energy? Why must they take the energy from others? What’s the reason for it?
How can you get the hunger in control, if there is no energy available? How can this terrible feeling for hunger for blood be eliminated? I have still experienced this terrible feeling. And from time to time the hunger rises in me. I feel so much different then and I am afraid of it. I don’t know what to do. How can I get it under control? Is there another way instead drinking blood?
I hope someone can answer these questions. Please, it s very important for me. I need your help. I can’t find an answer. I think I will go mad — please help me.
I am really totally desperate! I can’t stand it much longer.. I think I would do something careless, if I find no answer. Please help me! I would be glad of any advice, which would help to calm down my craving. Living like that is hell!! I hope anyone can help me. I need any help I can get, because I am on the end. It is so terrible and has changed me and controls me. Unable to get a clear thought. I hate it. I feel so strange, different than all others. I feel so damned left alone with all this.
I suffer. My body is on the end and endlessly weak and also my soul hurts. Last time it has all become so bad now that I have become very depressive and suicidal (already I had a suicide-attempt). I am only down, without hope. I harm (cut) myself because I hate everything so much. It is very bad. I hope someone can help me — I would be very thankful.
I am left alone with this damned vampire-life, and I don’t know about it.