Bleagh! I tried addressing this by breaking it down into its separate parts to answer each of them, but that didn't work, so I'm going to ramble on here…
(I'll try to make a long story short.)
Back in the early/mid 90s, I “tinkered around” with trying to give it all up (and go “normal”, even-n-n). At that time, I was pretty well set and had a number of sources. I kept trying to not go to them, and even with the constant attentions (and good intentions) of a Christian friend (and not to mention an occult “deprogrammer” who I voluntarily went to), I kept going back to them. The deprogrammer, I think, finally decided that I was just full of sh*t about wanting help to get out of it and kept blowing me off. :-/ (Of course, my Dark Shadows answering machine message didn't exactly help out, I'm sure… 😐 :-} Oh, well…) I finally severed ties with all of them in such ways that they would not HAVE me back when/if I were to try. (Up to that point, I'd told them that I was trying to quit it, but they would still go in for a good round of bloodletting, especially if they stood to gain materially from it.)[NOTE: Public apology to all ex-sources who I had offended…should any ever come across this posting. Yeh, it's me…]
Anyway, I went through Hell. I think now that a lot of it was mental hell, because back then, I honestly didn't know if I would die, or what would happen if I didn't get it. I did go through hell physically, but I didn't die, or I wouldn't be here writing this. I broke something, some hold it had, or a reliance on it — a mental addiction? I don't know. I still have the physical need/craving/thirst/lust, etc., same as before, but I can live without it (at least as far as I know). I don't pass up opportunities to feed *smirk* so who knows? Forever hasn't come and gone yet.
One thing that I do know is that it builds. It will build up to a certain point, at which nobody around me had better bleed, else I will start acting pretty funky…Kind of denying that which will not be denied, and that only makes it worse when I do that. I try to avoid being in public or around other people when I get that way, but sometimes that can't be avoided; that's when people start to notice that there's something strange — no, psycho — they already notice I'm a bit strange — about me. It's not like something I can really hide too well, considering that when I try suppressing it, it rebels.
It sucks (what a choice of words…) that I did sever ties with my sources because they were all okay with this stuff, and knew me and I guess just figured I went a little weirder on them is all. Finding new sources is harder than grooming those you already know (and know they are ok with bloodletting, for instance) to be sources. They all come and go.
When I go without for extended periods, I get weak and feel out of sorts; I have no energy or endurance. Any strength I have is probably still there, it just takes too much effort to exert it; I'm irritable and edgy all the time. The thirst is always there at some level, I just get so used to it that I tune it out (mostly): What I tune out at this point in my life, I would have acted upon back then. It's kind of a perpetual, low-level vamping out…
This will build until it's really bad, and I'm on a kind of “monster roll” (pass the jelly, please) where I just don't *feel* quite human. — I know, I know! … I don't know how else to explain this. I am and feel predatory. If I'm walking behind someone, I find myself stalking them; I can take any topic you'd choose, and within one sentence relate it to blood, somehow, so now, gee, we're talking blood instead of Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Corvettes, or how to build a deck…; I see a turnip, fer crying out loud, and I'll think about how to get blood from it! I will sleep restlessly, and with fitful and disturbing dreams. I will feel the need with every cell in my body, which is beyond thirst, but with it. I begin to consider the pros and cons of actively “hunting”. I know better than to do that, however, because I have great faith in the various law enforcement investigation methods… It seems there's no end to this (other than feeding, of course), and then it (the really intense part) will eventually pass, though without any satisfaction…
More often than not, when this extended…”flare-up” occurs, and I do not satisfy it, I will shortly become ill in some way. I have not determined whether I get sick merely because I fail to satisfy the Thirst, or if I begin experiencing these flare-ups, that I might go out and consume blood in order to give my body something it needs to prevent/fight an already developing illness. To me, the latter seems the more likely scenario.
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