By Sarah Dorrance
There’s a purity test for everything else, now it’s time for us to have one for vampires. Why not?
Please note: This does NOT test how much of a vampire you are, or how likely it is that you’re a vampire. It tests how infected you are by vampiric culture. The test is meant to be, if not comprehensive, at least exhaustive — so all possible aspects of vampirism in culture are included, including the most stereotypical. Vampire fans, role players, and the like may very well demonstrate more “impurity” because they could conceivably know more about vampires in pop culture than the average vampire-identified person.
Remember kiddies: all technicalities count. 🙂
For more purity tests (including the 500 point unisex, omnisexual standard purity test) go to http://www.armory.com/ – there are tons of purity tests there.
BOOKS, FILM, CULTURE
1) Do you read Anne Rice?
2) Are you an Anne Rice fan?
3) Are you a member of the Anne Rice fan club?
4) Do you read other books about vampires?
5) Do you read *nonfiction* books about vampires?
6) Do you read *nonfiction* books about vampires, and say, “That’s not the way things really are for vampires?”
7) Do you subscribe to a vampire fanzine?
8) Do you write or draw for a vampire fanzine?
9) Do you edit a vampire fanzine?
10) Does your fanzine lose money?
11) Do you watch vampire movies?
12) Do you own at least five vampire movies?
13) Do you own at least ten vampire movies?
14) Can you name all the actors in the first vampire film?
15) Can you describe the *real* plot of _Dracula_?
16) Do you study vampire folklore?
17) Are you a professional vampirologist?
18) Are you a professor of vampire studies?
19) Have you listened to London After Midnight, Lestat, or any other vampire music group?
20) Have you ever listened to vampire filk music?
21) Have you ever been to a vampire convention?
22) Have you been a vampire panelist at a convention?
23) Have you been a vampire guest of honor at a convention?
24) Have you ever helped to organize a vampire convention?
25) Do you study “the occult?”
26) Do you practice “occult arts?”
27) Do you give your “occult arts” a vampiric twist?
28) Have you written any occult articles on vampirism?
29) Are you well known on the occult circuit as a vampire theorist?
30) Are you well known on the occult circuit as a vampire?
31) Would you consider yourself to be a “psi-vamp?”
32) Can you actually describe how you feed from people?
33) Have you ever fed while dreaming (gone astral)?
34) Have you ever fed during sex (gone succubus/incubus)?
35) Have you actually fed psychically at all?
36) Do you consider yourself to be “psychic?”
37) Have you ever grown “astral fangs,” manifested “glowing eyes,” etc?
38) Would you consider yourself to be “vampire trapped in a human body?”
39) Have you had other incarnations?
40) Was at least one of your past lives also vampiric?
41) Would you say you are “possessed by” or “hosting” the spirit of a vampire? (yes, this is possible even if you say yes to #38)
42) Do you understand the significance of this number? (Sorry, I had to.)
43) Are you good at manipulating energy?
44) Can you see, and/or manipulate, auras?
45) Can you see, and/or manipulate, “cords?”
46) Would you consider yourself immortal (in any way, including the soul)?
47) Has your vampirism affected your spirituality?
48) Are you part of a religious path that actually incorporates vampirism?
49) Are you a witch, or the equivalent thereof?
50) Are you in a coven?
51) Is it a vampire coven?
52) Have you ever been a coven leader?
53) Was it a vampire coven that you led?
54) Have you ever founded a coven?
55) Was it a vampire coven that you founded?
56) Are you a notorious vampire cult leader? (or reputed to be by closed minded bigots?)
57) Are you a “weirdness magnet?”
58) Do you own a pair of fangs?
59) Do you own an expensive, dentally sound pair of fangs?
60) Are your fangs bonded permanently to your teeth?
61) Were you born with fangs? (yes, you can get this point and still say yes to the above question)
62) Do you ever wear a cape?
63) Do you ever wear white makeup?
64) Have you dyed your hair black?
65) Do you wear, or have you ever worn, theatrical contact lenses that make you look like you have “vampire eyes?”
66) Do you wear all black?
67) Do you wear evening clothes aside from dressing up for cocktail parties, weddings, balls, etc.?
68) Do you wear fetish clothes to go to nightclubs?
69) Would you call yourself at all “gothic?”
70) Does the goth vs. vampire flame-fest tick you off because you want to be on both sides?
71) Have you ever owned a copy of Vampire: The Masquerade?
72) Have you ever played a character in a tabletop White Wolf game?
73) Have you ever played a character in a White Wolf LARP?
74) Have you ever played a member of the Primogen in a LARP?
75) Have you ever played a Prince in a LARP?
76) Have you ever been Storyteller for a LARP?
77) Have you ever been a member of a LARP coalition (The Camarilla, UKM, etc.)?
78) Have you ever founded a LARP coalition?
79) Do you spend way too much money on role playing stuff?
80) Have you ever played any vampire games that were not White Wolf (Night Life, Ravenloft Heights, etc.)?
81) Have you ever stayed up all night playing a vampire game?
82) Have you ever played a vampire game in “vampiric” settings (a cemetery, an opera house, etc.)?
LIFESTYLE, CYBERSTYLE, AND OTHER FORMS OF UNLIFE
83) Have you ever been to a vampire night club?
84) Do you attend vampire nights at the goth club or vampire night clubs regularly?
85) Have you been to a vampire ball or festival?
86) Do you have a special “vampire name” for the scene or online?
87) Do more people know you by your scene name than by your “mundane” name?
88) Have you ever been approached for a press interview or documentary?
89) Have you ever been approached *several times* for interviews or documentaries?
90) Are you a famous vampire?
91) Are you a member of any organizations (The Sanguinarium, The Coven, etc.)?
92) Are you a member of the “inner circle” of any vampire organizations?
93) Are you a member of the inner circle of *more than one* vampire organization (how do you manage it?!?)
94) Are you a member of any online vampire organizations?
95) Are you a member of several online vampire organizations?
96) Are you a member of the “inner core” (elders, moderating team, etc.) of an online vampire organization?
97) Are you the founder or an online vampire organization?
98) Do you have a vampire web page?
99) Does it get a lot of hits?
100) Do you take part in alt.vampyres or other BBS groups?
101) Do you take part in any IRC discussions?
102) Do you own a vampire chat room?
103) Do you own a vampire ISP?
104) Do you wear an ankh?
105) Do you wear a blade ankh (as seen in “The Hunger”)?
106) Have you ever used it?
107) Are you a vendor of vampire merchandise?
108) Does your business make a profit?
109) Is this your primary form of income?
110) Have you founded or created a vampire nightclub?
111) Do you sleep in a canopy bed with dark gauze or curtains?
112) Do you sleep, or have you ever slept, in a coffin, or used a coffin as another piece of furniture?
113) Is your room or house decorated in shades of red and/or black?
114) Do you own at least one gargoyle?
115) Do you own at least one dead rose?
116) Would you call yourself a vampiric Martha Stewart?
117) Do you own a sword?
118) Do you stay up all night and sleep during the day?
119) Do you make an attempt to hold conversations in Early Modern English?
120) Do you make an attempt to hold conversations in French, or in a dead language?
121) Do “normal” people look the other way or cross the street when they see you?
122) Do you claim to be undead (you twit)?
123) Do you get all huffy when people question your absurd claims?
124) Are you, or have you ever been, part of a “feeding circle,” “clutch,” or “family?”
125) Are you, or have you ever been, part of a “clan” or “household?”
126) Are you a leader in the “vampyre community?”
127) Do other people actually *recognize* this?
128) Do you understand the significance of “vampyre” as opposed to “vampire?”
129) Do you, or have you ever, hung out in a graveyard?
130) Have you ever *made out* or *had sex* in a graveyard?
131) Are the windows of your house covered up so that no sunlight trickles in?
132) Do you avoid sunlight altogether?
133) Do you actually have an adverse reaction to sunlight?
134) Do you avoid garlic?
135) Do you actually avoid garlic?
136) Do you have a physical condition (such as porphyria) that explains why garlic makes you sick?
137) Do you have any kind of physical condition which you blame on your vampirism?
138) Do you get sick if you don’t feed?
139) Would you say you have more stamina or strength because you are a vampire?
140) Would you say you have a better immune system because you are a vampire?
141) Would you say you can turn into a bat? (You weenie.)
142) Do you have relatives from Eastern Europe? (that Transylvanian blood!)
143) Are you related to a famous (supposed) vampire, like Vlad Tepes?
144) Can you prove it?
145) No, really?
I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLUD
146) Have you ever had rare or raw meat just because it looked bloody?
147) Have you ever given a hickey because you wanted the taste of blood?
148) Have you ever bitten to draw blood? (Unclean! Unclean!)
149) Have you ever used *fangs* to draw blood (it will ruin the fangs, you know)?
150) Have you ever clawed to draw blood?
151) Have you ever used a whip, quirt, crop, or other S&M toy to draw blood?
152) If yes, did you drink the blood after the whipping?
153) Have you ever used a piercing or poking device (needles) to obtain blood?
154) Have you ever used a cutting device (razor, knife, lancet, etc.) to obtain blood?
155) Have you ever drunk a few drops of blood at once?
156) Have you ever drunk a teaspoonful of blood at once?
157) Have you ever drunk a shot glass of blood (about a mouthful)?
158) Have you ever drunk a wine glass full of blood?
159) Have you ever drunk more than a wine glass full of blood (did you hurl)?
160) Have you ever had a regular “donor?”
161) Are you really paranoid about AIDS? (One hopes.)
162) Can you list all the other diseases that you ought to be worried about because you drink blood?
163) Can you taste differences between different types of blood?
164) Can you taste a difference between vampire blood and “normal” blood?
165) Do you have a favorite method of “flavoring” blood?
166) Do you have blood substitute recipes for when you can’t get a fix?
167) Do you actually crave blood (as opposed to merely liking it)?
168) Have you ever used blood for ritual purposes?
169) Have you ever drunk animal blood?
170) Have you ever actually *hunted* for blood (animal, I hope)?
171) Does the sight of blood do weird and tantalizing things to you?
172) Do you have a blood fetish?
173) Do you have a job where you can work with blood, so that you can access or at least handle the blood?
Each question that you answered “yes” to is worth a point.
Add 27 bonus points, because I was too crap to come up with another twenty five questions. 🙂 Look, if you’re taking this test at all, you have to be at least a little corrupted by vampire culture, right?
Divide by two.
Subtract the result from 100 and the remainder is your percentage of vampiric purity.