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How You Can Find Out If You Are NOT A Vampire!

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(The Parody Of All Vampire Tests)

by an anonymous member of the vampiric community

1. How did you get the idea that you are a vampire?

(a) I love sausages more than cheese.
(b) I feel that I am more romantic than anyone else I know.
(c) I just feel it, I cannot explain.
(d) I drink blood.
(e) I am a blood fetishist.
(f) My friends have told me so, because I am so tiring.

2. What do you think makes a vampire?

(a) Anything that I read what makes a vampire.
(b) Loving the dark, candles, old castles and flowing black dresses.
(c) I just feel it, I cannot explain.
(d) He drinks blood.
(e) A strong sexual urge for bloodplay.
(f) A being that seperate himself from society by his ways.

3. Now, how did you become a vampire?

(a) A Toreador Lady came up to my bedroom... you know the rest.
(b) I must have been it all my life, I always felt so dark...
(c) I just feel it, I cannot explain.
(d) I started drinking blood.
(e) I was introduced to the BDSM scene by some vampires and I liked their way.
(f) I must be born that way, I cannot recall being made.

4. Did you ever have an interest in vampires before?

(a) I read all vampire books, saw all the films and I play V:tM for 4 years and longer.
(b) I was introduced to the Goth scene 3 years ago, but no, not before.
(c) I just feel it, I cannot explain.
(d) I have been drinking blood ever since.
(e) When I started to gain interest in sexuality, I found out that the sight of blood arouses me.
(f) No, but I read this intriguing site about psivampires.

5. What do you believe had changed about your life by this?

(a) I will be more sexually attractive and gain supernatural powers.
(b) I am more dark and romantic ever since.
(c) I just feel it, I cannot explain.
(d) Nothing, I just drink blood.
(e) I know how to live my sexuality now.
(f) I found the key to my inner self.

6. Do you have any supernatural powers?

(a) I can fly, shapeshift and when I am shot, I do not die.
(b) I think that I am more romantic now, but that is nothing supernatural. Maybe I am empathic. I feel the darkness in everything.
(c) I just feel it, I cannot explain.
(d) No, I just drink blood.
(e) Not at all.
(f) I am a mind reader, a telekinist, an empathic and precognital.

7. Why do you take this test?

(a) I hope that you can tell me that I am a vampire.
(b) Because I think I am a vampire.
(c) I just feel it, I cannot explain.
(d) I think I am a vampire, but I am not sure.
(e) Just curious.
(f) After what I read I might be a vampire.

The outcome.

If you answered mainly category:

(a), then forget it. Take out your custom fangs and get a life.

(b), then you should get a life also. Too much Goth is not healthy.

(c), what the heck do you want? You sound like a broken record!

(d), you are a blood fetishist. That is not the same as vampirism.

(e), ok, you may be a vampire, but there is more to it but drinking blood. What about the reasons? Inform yourself.

(f), you should stop reading too many esoteric books.

Conclusion: If you answered any of the categories a, b, c, d or f, you are mostly sure no vampire. Take a breath and relax. the world is not so bad as you think it is.

Ok, that was it, the first model of the notorious "How you can find out if you are NOT a vampire!"-Test.

See ya! ;-))

-- [Name withheld]

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